I got dressed and got ready to go out to dinner with my hubby to the theater for a romantic evening. We put the cat in the backyard and turned on a “night light” after a previous burglary.

We stepped out the front door as our Uber arrived, and our very plump cat slid between our legs before dashed up the stairs. We didn’t want to leave our parakeet unattended because our cat loves to follow it, so my husband hurried inside to get her and placed her back in the backyard.

I informed the Uber driver that my husband would be gone for a moment, saying goodbye to my mother, so he wouldn’t find out our house would be unoccupied all evening.

A few minutes later he got into the Uber all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the car pulled away, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time.

But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the Uber was deafening…..